Memoranda From The Edge (By Dr Dredd)

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Dr. McKay’s performance

I’d say he’s back to normal, which means he was obnoxious and a drama queen, but came through when we needed him. He was a little quiet at first, but then he bullied a little kid and obviously felt better after that.

I can’t say I’m feeling fabulous. My arm really hurts where the Wraith kid bit it, and I’m pretty tired. But I’ll live.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Dr. McKay’s performance

Understood, John. Get yourself checked out in the infirmary if things get any worse. And be sure to check on Carson if you do go. I heard he’s locked himself in his lab and refuses to talk to anyone.

Oh, and I’ll take your assessment of Rodney’s performance under advisement. Bullying kids?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Still mad?

Oh, come on Radek! I covered for you when you decided to play mad bomber with Kavanaugh’s toilet.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Teyla Emmagan

RE: Table manners

Everyone smirked at you because even normal Wraith have better table manners than you do. Get over yourself.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Still mad?

Yes, you cover for me. And then you make me dig muddy holes on the mainland. Sorry Rodney, that will not work. I will only accept a public apology on citywide speakers or... last Snickers bar that I know you have hidden somewhere.

Your choice.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Still mad?

I have no such thing... how did you find out about it?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Medical question

Carson, what are the symptoms of a skull fracture?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Medical question

Your brains would be leaking out of yer nose. By all that’s holy, Rodney, you don’t have a skull fracture! Did Elizabeth put you up to this to force me to come out of the lab?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Medical question

No, you overeducated sheepherder. I’m asking because I’ve got the mother of all headaches! I’m not playing nursemaid.

But that being said, I’m sorry about what happened. You shouldn’t blame yourself, Carson. You wanted something big to use on the Wraith, but things got out of hand. I have a little experience in that area myself.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Sgt. Bates

RE: Security risk?

Sir, I wanted to let you know that neither Teyla Emmagan nor Ronon Dex have been seen in over 12 hours. They seem to have vanished together. What do you think they’re up to? I knew neither of them could be trusted.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Sgt. Bates

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: What are they up to?

Think for a minute, Bates. You’ll figure it out.

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A/N: I’m going on vacation for a few days. But I promise I’ll post more of these when I get back (lots of time to write).

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Children

Rodney, Colonel Sheppard told me that you were bullying a little boy on the planet where we found Ellia. I know it’s cliché, but pick on someone your own size! (Or should I be saying that to the kid?)

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Children

Colonel Sheppard needs to get his eyes checked. I wasn’t bullying the kid. We were just discussing the feeding habits of the so-called “Damos.” I suggested that he would be better off seeking answers from someone more knowledgeable about the subject than I.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Children

You mean you told him to shut up and go away. Come on, Rodney! Behave yourself.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Medical question

I appreciate your concern, lad, but I’m fine. I just need some time to figure out what happened with the retrovirus. I think Dr. Biro’s on call today, if you need something for the headache.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Medical question

Don’t try to convince me that you’re not beating yourself up about the accident. I know you too well. Anyway, you know where to find me if you want to talk.

Dr. Biro? She’s not going to try to saw my head open, is she? That woman is scary!

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Sgt. Bates

RE: What are they up to?

I found them. That’s a very disturbing image, sir. Still, it would explain why Teyla looks so smug and Ronon looks shellshocked.

29.Brief Interlud 2 :

Radek Zelenka was very happy at the moment. He and Rodney were standing in the control room, where Rodney was getting ready to apologize over the citywide speaker. Elizabeth, looking amused, was standing on the other side of Rodney, a fact which also made Radek happy. An apology from the “Magnificent McKay” and an opportunity to gaze at Elizabeth, both at the same time! Life was good.

Rodney, on the other hand, was not so happy. Actually, you could say he looked like he swallowed a lemon, except for the fact that he would be dead if that happened. He was muttering to himself under his breath, something that sounded like “Snickers bar, Snickers bar...”

“Any time you are ready, Rodney,” said Radek smugly.

With ill grace, Rodney stabbed the button to activate the speakers. He cleared his throat. “Um, may I have your attention. I, Rodney McKay, would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize to my colleague, Dr. Radek Zelenka. On two occasions, I insulted him when he was trying to get me out of messes that I created. Well, one of those times wasn’t actually my mess. If Cadman had just moved a little faster... Oh, sorry. Right, back to the apology. On two occasions, I insulted Radek when he was trying to save my butt. It was very obnoxious and arrogant of me, and I’m sorry.”

After a short pause, Radek said, “That’s it?”

“That’s it!”

“But you didn’t say the most important part. Come on, we discussed this.”

“Do I have to?” Rodney whined.

“Yes, Rodney, you have to! Otherwise you forfeit your candy stash. Dr. Weir is witness.”

“Oh, fine!” Rodney huffed. He stabbed the button again. “I also wanted to say that I’m sorry for doubting Radek’s abilities. He is... he is... he is almost... as smart... as I am! There!”

“Very gracious of you,” said Elizabeth dryly. Radek just shook his head. He knew that this was the most he could hope to get from Rodney.

“Thank you, Rodney,” said Radek solemnly. Inside he was trying not to laugh. “Apology accepted. Your Snickers bar is safe.” He held out his hand, which Rodney shook after a minute. Then Rodney bolted from the room, no doubt to make sure that his valuable possession was still intact.

Elizabeth looked at Radek and grinned. “Think we should tell him the Daedalus brought a new supply of chocolate?”

“Oh, yes! But if I may make suggestion, you may want to have Dr. Beckett stand by with a crash cart when you do so.”

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Cardiac arrest

Technically it wasn’t, since we never actually lost a pulse. Rather, I’d say that it was a rage-induced apoplectic fit. Nonetheless, you were absolutely correct to call for a crash cart. We can’t always predict what will happen.

Rodney’s going to be fine, lass. But he’s rather upset with you.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Your recovery

Glad to hear you’re feeling better. But I can’t believe you actually chose a public apology over giving up your Snickers bar. It’s not like it was Godiva-quality chocolate.

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MEMO

TO: Crew of the Daedalus

FROM: Col. Stephen Caldwell

RE: Phase I complete

Dr. Weir has informed me that Dr. McKay has learned of our chocolate cargo. He will soon be coming aboard to study the Asgard beaming technology with Hermiod. Needless to say, I’m sure I can count of you to partake of the cargo in his presence.

After all, he endangered all of our lives when his little toy started taking pot shots at us. (Not to mention the destruction of a sizeable portion of the local real estate.)

Oh, and anyone caught offering chocolate to Dr. McKay will be dealt with summarily.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. Stephen Caldwell

FROM: Dr. Lindsey Novak

RE: Dr. McKay’s upcoming visit

Sir, Hermiod is very upset at your order to prominently display large bars of chocolate in places Dr. McKay is likely to frequent. He doesn’t understand the reason for it, and says that a substance in chocolate is causing unpleasant skin eruptions.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Lindsey Novak

FROM: Col. Stephen Caldwell

RE: Hermiod

An Asgard with allergies? My luck.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. Stephen Caldwell

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Computer games

Interesting that you also play Solitaire. I had you pegged as a Minesweeper kind of guy, myself.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. Stephen Caldwell

FROM: Hermiod

RE: FTL diagnostic

Running a diagnostic on this system was a waste of time. Asgard technology would never fail so soon after installation. If I may make an observation, I think you’re angry that I spoiled your scheme of revenge.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carol Biro

FROM: Dr. Steven Schwartz

RE: Medical Briefing

“The only thing I have to take into account is how off you are?” Who was that moron, anyway? Is he new?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. Stephen Caldwell

RE: Computer games

And why is that, Dr. Weir?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. Stephen Caldwell

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Computer games

Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the way you keep bulling your way into situations without much background information. Like you’ve played a lot of Minesweeper and don’t particularly care if a few go off.

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A/N: Come on, you knew I was going to try to get Steve in here. :-)

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Sorry

I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to be more help during your infection. Guess I let you down again, huh?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Sorry

Nothing to be sorry about, Rodney! Your eloquent observations on the usefulness of medicine aside, you’re not a doctor! What did you think you should have done?

I’m getting seriously bored in here. Carson won’t even let me get caught up on my mission reports. He’s worried about stress causing a relapse. Doesn’t he realize that this is causing me even more stress?

I don’t suppose you’d be willing to help me bust out of here, would you?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Sorry

Sorry again. But if I help you escape from the infirmary, I’m setting myself up for some serious Scottish revenge, and I don’t think that would be good for my health. I might be able to help you smuggle something into the infirmary, though.

Now, as to what I should have been able to do. At the very least, I should have been able to figure out a better way of grabbing those bug eggs.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Hermiod

FROM: Col. Stephen Caldwell

RE: FTL diagnostic

I’ll take your “observation” into account. In the meantime, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, could you please complete the diagnostic? It’s a long way to walk home.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Infirmary contraband

Well, the surfboard’s probably out. How about the guitar, though? And some of Zelenka’s rotgut.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Infirmary contraband

You’re kidding, right? You don’t think Carson’ll notice me sneaking in with a large stringed object? And your ass is grass if he catches you with alcohol. (Mine, too, come to think of it.)

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Stephen Schwartz

FROM: Dr. Carol Biro

RE: Medical Briefing

I’m not sure who the guy is, but he’s a real putz. Rumor has it that he’s good friends with Dr. Kavanaugh.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. Stephen Caldwell

RE: Computer games

You certainly say what’s on your mind, don’t you? For a diplomat, you’re not being very diplomatic.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. Stephen Caldwell

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Computer games

To quote Will Rogers, Colonel, “Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘nice doggy’ until you can find a rock.”

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Athletic performance

The only reason that you outran me is that you were infected with Beckett’s retrovirus. That’s hardly fair. I desire a rematch.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Athletic performance

Hello, what part of ‘confined to the infirmary’ didn’t you understand? Sergeant Bates would probably shoot me if I tried to leave. I know he’s been gunning for my job. Besides, I think you’re just being a sore loser.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Kavanaugh

FROM: Dr. David Edmonds

RE: Bad performance

Hey, Kav, I totally see what you meant when you said that your coworkers were idiots. That medical briefing was just pathetic! That chick Biro acts like she never took a genetics class in her life. And that surgeon sitting on her other side, he was just taking up space! It’s a wonder the entire expedition isn’t dead by now.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Major Lorne

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Bugworld

I haven’t had the chance yet to thank you for saving my butt (and keeping it human). Going into that cave was one of the craziest, hair-brained stunts I’ve ever heard of, but it worked.

Do something like that again, though, and your butt will be the one getting kicked! My life isn’t worth any more than anyone else’s. But again, thanks.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Major Lorne

RE: Bugworld

You’re welcome, sir. I’d do it again in a minute, even if you court-martialed me. You were the one that taught me that we never leave a man behind.

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A/N: I’m assuming that the female doctor who was talking about somatic cells during the briefing was Dr. Biro. And I’ve decided that the dark-haired muscular guy sitting next to her is Schwartz!

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Parole

Hey, doc, what are my chances of getting out of here anytime soon? You’ve been a gracious host, but I have no privacy. I feel like a bug on a microscope slide.

Err...no pun intended.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Parole

Sorry, lad. Your chances are about as good as my getting fresh haggis around here. I don’t want you running about until your DNA is grade A, 100 John Sheppard. And I’ve already let you use the isolation room for privacy; I’m not sure what else I can do. (Other than perhaps stationing Ronon at your door to discourage prying eyes.)

Please bear with me a little longer.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Major Lorne

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Insubordination

Disobeying a direct order, huh? Join the club.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: “Escape” attempt: nice try

I had a feeling you were going to try something like this, Colonel. Having Ronon at the infirmary door serves my purpose as well as yours. By the way, I’m really starting to get offended at the way everyone spends most of their time in here trying to get away from me. But I guess it means you’re feeling better.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Escape attempt

Traitor.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. Stephen Caldwell

RE: Diplomacy

You’re not the only one who can quote Will Rogers, doctor. “Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it. You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.”

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Escape

Come on, you’d be surprised if I didn’t try it. You know, if you would just let me keep busy, you wouldn’t have this problem. I’m really bored and have already counted the ceiling tiles.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Boredom

You might try actually reading that book you brought with you. Or is it just for show? (Personally, I couldn’t stand the thing. I had to read it while I was at university, and the bloody thing put me to sleep every time.)

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Apology

It’s still pretty hazy, but I think I remember trying to strangle you. I’m really really sorry about that. Shades of Ford, huh?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Apology

Already forgiven, John. Not Ford’s fault, and not yours either. In your case, it’s a credit to you that you managed to hold it together for as long as you did.

You’ll be happy to know that Caldwell was unsuccessful in his attempts to usurp your position. He tried, but despite numerous memos of his own, he failed. So your job is safe. Just behave yourself, stop tormenting Carson, and concentrate on getting better.

So how’s that for bedside manner?

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Second attempt

Again, Colonel? Maybe I need to run some neuropsychological tests, because you’re becoming uncharacteristically sloppy. Did you really think Ronon was the only one I enlisted to keep an eye on you? And your methods nearly got you killed.

If you’re really that bored, I’m sure we can find a job for you changing bedpans.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Second attempt

OK, I admit that telling Stackhouse I was “bugging out” was probably not the most prudent thing to do. But I didn’t do anything threatening, so he didn’t have to try to shoot me. I wonder if Bates put him up to it.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Kiss and other issues

Hi, Teyla. I wanted to apologize for kissing you in the gym. Well, not exactly the kiss per se, but the way in which in happened. What I mean to say is that I’m sorry for the public display of affection. Not that I don’t see you as a friend... oh, hell. I acted kind of crazy back there and I apologize for it.

This memo is probably not selling you on my returning sanity.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Teyla Emmagan

RE: Reply to ‘Kiss and other issues’

Hello, John. Apology accepted. I understand. What is a public display of affection? I see you as a friend, too. Yes, you did act crazy back there, and you are not making much more sense now.

Have I mentioned lately that I find your people rather strange?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Escape attempt

It was a matter of warrior’s honor, Sheppard. Dr. Beckett pulled the transmitter out of my back, so I was in his debt. And it provided some balance for your cheating during our run.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Honor, glory, etc.

You’re getting me back for beating you during our run? That’s mature. And please, “warrior’s honor”? You sound like a Klingon.

MEMO

TO: Atlantis Expedition Members

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Infirmary rules and regulations

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Ladies and gentlemen, although I would prefer to treat you all as adults, the recent behavior of a few of your colleagues has forced me to develop a list of ground rules for the infirmary:

1.) Please report all important symptoms and injuries to the medical staff when returning from off-world missions. Saying “I’m fine” with blood running down your arm is not very convincing.

2.) By important symptoms, I do not mean dry, flaky skin or itchy feet.

3.) Please refrain from referring to the infirmary as a prison.

4.) While personal items may be used by patients, it is important that other patients in the infirmary not be disturbed by this. As an example, singing and playing prison spirituals on one’s guitar is not helpful for people trying to rest. (See also Rule #3 above.)

5.) Alcoholism is an important cause of vitamin B12 deficiency. Anyone caught smuggling alcohol to patients will receive a vitamin B12 shot right in the arse. So will the intended recipient.

6.) There is no Rule #6.

Above all, please use common sense. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

- The CMO

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Infirmary contraband

Boy, what a spoilsport. No surfboard, no more guitar, and no alcohol. Also, no bolt cutters, no night vision goggles, and no flash grenades. What are you going to bring me, then? How about my laptop?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Infirmary contraband

What are you complaining about? It’s my ass that’s sore now. I knew that trying to get you Zelenka’s cheap liquor was a bad idea.

And are you sure you want me to try sneaking in your laptop? That crazy Scot still hasn’t returned the last one he confiscated from you while you were in his clutches. If I remember correctly, that one had your only copy of “The Sims: Living Large” on it. Now I sometimes hear suspicious noises coming from Carson’s office when he’s supposed to be working.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Infirmary contraband

Uh, hello? I can’t sit down that easily, either!

Never mind. I’ve decided I’m breaking out of here with or without your help. Beckett’s busted me twice, and now it’s a matter of principle. I’ll pick up both laptops myself once the job’s done.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Infirmary breakout

May I say that’s a terrible idea? I’m not sure how to put this delicately, so I won’t even try. Even though you’re recovering, you still look partly like a giant bug. It’s somewhat conspicuous.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Honor and glory

What exactly is a Klingon?

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Third time not the charm

What is this, “The Great Escape?” Steve McQueen you’re not, son.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Pathetic escape attempts

Obviously I’ve overestimated your abilities in this area. You’ve now tried three times, and have never made it past the corridor outside the infirmary. Although my sore butt makes me hesitant to get further involved, it’s clear that you need someone as smart as myself to help you with the planning and execution of your escape.

P.S. (And I’ll refer to the infirmary however I damn well please!)

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Scot abuse

Didn’t I tell you in an earlier memo to stop tormenting Carson? You’re driving the poor man nuts with your attempts to leave the infirmary. Dr. Heightmeyer will not be amused.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Scot abuse

Well it’s partly his damn fault that I’m in here in the first place!

Sorry. That was a little harsh. But I really am feeling fine, and I’m reverting to normal. If I’m driving Carson crazy, he should just kick me out.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Klingons

Klingons are large, testosterone-enhanced warriors with a well-developed honor code and questionable eating habits.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Infirmary Discharge Summary

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DISCHARGE DIAGNOSES (ICD-9-CM):

Retrovirus, unspecified (079.50)

Unspecified transient organic mental disorder (293.9)

Metabolic encephalopathy (348.31)

Dermatitis due to other specified substances taken internally (693.8)

Contact with or exposure to unspecified communicable disease (V01.9)

Unspecified viral vaccine, adverse effects (E949.6)

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INFIRMARY LENGTH OF STAY: 24 days

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DISCHARGE HOSPITAL COURSE: The patient is a human male in his mid-thirties with a past medical history significant for Iratus-bug bite, medically-induced cardiac arrest, and multiple exposures to ionizing radiation, who presents with multi-system organ failure following exposure to an experimental retrovirus. The patient was exposed during an altercation with a young female Wraith who had self-administered the agent. Initial symptoms of the viral infection included rapid wound healing, increased speed and strength, sexual disinhibition, and a carbuncle-like skin eruption. Analyses of blood specimens revealed an exponential increase in viral particles over the first few hours; this was accompanied by a rapidly progressive rash and altered mental status. Therapy with generic viral inhibitors was initiated, and appeared to temporarily slow the cognitive decline. However, as the patient’s condition continued to deteriorate, the decision was made to use another experimental therapy (Iratus-bug larval stem cells) to eradicate the original infection and reverse the subsequent morphological changes. The first attempt to obtain the stem cells was unsuccessful, and in the interim the patient became paranoid and aggressive. He was sedated to the point of coma until it was noted that he was expressing bug pheromones in his sweat. As a last resort, the patient was allowed to wake and undertake a second mission to collect Iratus-bug eggs. This time, the egg collection was successful and an appropriate genetic therapy was created. Although the clinical response to treatment was slow at first, the physical and mental changes reversed themselves over a period of several weeks.

The remainder of the patient’s stay was largely unremarkable, with the notable exception of his newly-enhanced ability to annoy the hell out of the Chief Medical Officer. After the first week, the patient felt well enough to get out of bed and ambulate around the infirmary. He then displayed a remarkable talent for getting in the way of staff attempting to perform routine tasks. Subsequent days were filled with whining, complaining, and requests to “get out of this prison.”

On multiple occasions the patient (bloody idiot!) did in fact attempt to leave the infirmary against the orders of the Chief Medical Officer. He enlisted the aid of several others, including the Chief Scientist and two of the engineering staff (Rodney, Radek, and Eldon, who have all been suitably chastised). When these attempts were unsuccessful, the patient resorted to sitting on his bed, playing a guitar that had been smuggled in to him, and singing prison songs. The quality of the vocals will be left to another communication, but suffice to say that the rendition of Folsom Prison Blues did not go well.

After 14 days a program of infirmary furloughs was initiated, to preserve the sanity of both the patient and the CMO.

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DISCHARGE MEDICATIONS: None

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DISCHARGE TO: Anywhere but here.

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DISCHARGE CONDITION: In one piece... for now.

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DISCHARGE DIET: Would you please eat something? Anything!

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DISCHARGE INSTRUCTIONS:

1.) Avoid strenuous activity like sparring with Teyla. (Besides, I think she’s still a wee bit upset with you.)

2.) Get flowers or something for Elizabeth. I know she said she forgives you for trying to kill her, but it’s good to be on the safe side.

3.) Avoid the Wraith until further notice.

4.) You will see Dr. Heightmeyer. No arguments.

5.) I’d like to see you back for a check-up in two days. But feel free to call me any time, day or night, if you have any worrisome symptoms. You can be infuriating at times, but you don’t have to suffer in silence, son.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Back in the saddle

Boy, it was nice to get offworld again! I really hate being cooped up in one place. All in all, the mission went pretty well, but we really need to talk about your doling out little bits of information at a time.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Back in the saddle

Back to what passes as normal, yes. And I see you lost no time in trying to become like Captain Kirk again. Did you think that smiling sweetly at the first officer was actually going to convince her to let you go?

And I tell you everything you need to know... eventually.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Back in the saddle

Well, at least I stopped flirting with her once I found out she was a Wraith! That’s more than I can say for some people.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay, Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: I don’t trust either of you

You two have definitely made yourselves scarce since returning from your mission. Is there something you lads are hiding from me?

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Back in the saddle

Bite me, Sheppard.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. Stephen Caldwell

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Thank you

I wanted to thank you for helping with the mission to the Aurora. Your... unqualified and cheerfully-rendered assistance was appreciated.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Teyla Emmagan

RE: Stalling Caldwell

You did a good job yourself in what our Earth friends would call “bluffing.” Perhaps you would care to play a game of poker sometime?

By the way, how’s your arm?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Stalling Caldwell

You mean after you broke it? My arm is fine, thank you. Would this “poker” game be anything like chess?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett, Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: I don’t trust either of you

I’m not hiding anything. Sheppard, on the other hand...

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. Stephen Caldwell

RE: Thank you

You’re welcome... I think. Anyway, we’re leaving again. You can start making the party preparations.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: I don’t trust either of you

Oh, you are such a fink!

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Teyla Emmagan

RE: Recreation

I do not know anything about this “chess.” Poker is a game of chance where players wager on the value of the cards they hold. Sometimes the wagers are for money, and other times the wagers are for various items of clothing worn by the players. I believe the latter is called “strip poker.”

Would you like to try it out?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay, Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: I don’t trust either of you

Colonel Sheppard, may I remind you of the infirmary rules I recently distributed? If anything untoward happened on your mission, I need to hear about it. That’s Rule #1. Although, considering as you’ve already ignored Rules #3, 4, and 5, one more doesn’t make much of a difference.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay, Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: I don’t trust either of you

It’s really nothing, doc. Just a mild headache from those stasis pods. Rodney may even have one, too. I’m sure we’re both fine.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay, Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Now I know why I don’t trust either of you

That’s quite interesting. Were either of you planning on telling me about the stasis chambers? I knew I should have been suspicious when you insisted that Dr. Biro do your post-mission exams. The lass is far too trusting.

Your new appointments are scheduled for one hour from now.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Payback

Hey, if I’m going down, so are you. Even if you don’t really have any symptoms.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Payback

Oh, that’s just great. Why don’t you just go flicker out again like you did before? You looked like Al the hologram from Quantum Leap, you know.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Payback

I don’t think so! If I’m Al, that makes you Dr. Beckett, and one is enough, thank you! (Besides, you looked more like ‘I Dream of Jeannie’.) What the hell is wrong with you, anyway? You’ve gone way beyond your normal snarkiness.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Snarkiness

Nothing’s wrong with me. You can trust me on that. And “I Dream of Jeannie”? There’s no way in hell I’m calling you “Master”.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: -:headwall:-

Oh, for crying out loud... McKay, if I didn’t trust you, do you really think I would have agreed to put my head in one of those things? Speaking of, you and I have appointments to keep.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Strange behavior

John, I’m a little concerned about the way Ronon has been acting lately. Two nights ago he was seen running through the hallways without his pants. Last night he was seen wearing even less. Have you noticed anything unusual?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Strange behavior

I haven’t noticed anything, but then again, I haven’t interacted with him much. Have you asked Teyla? She’s been spending a lot of time with him recently.

47. Brief Interlude 3

John pounded on Rodney’s door for the third time. “Come on!” he yelled. “The sooner we do this, the sooner we can get the man off our backs!”

The door to Rodney’s quarters slid open. “Well, if you hadn’t been so eager to share your misery, I wouldn’t have to care about Carson’s mother hen tendencies,” he snapped.

John grinned and slung an arm around Rodney’s shoulder. “Schadenfreude!” he said cheerfully as he dragged the scientist towards the transporter.

“Gesundheit.”

“You mean there’s something the Magnificent McKay doesn’t know? Schadenfreude. It means ‘pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune.’ You seemed to be having such fun contemplating my infirmary-related fate. How could I not share the wealth?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” demanded Rodney.

“Oh, please. Remember your memo from the other day? ‘I’m not hiding anything. Sheppard, on the other hand...’ You were enjoying that way too much.”

“Huh.” The two men continued on their way. They stopped, though, upon seeing Ronon in the corridor coming towards them. The runner nodded to both John and Rodney, but didn’t say anything. As he walked away, John saw that he was not wearing shoes or socks, and his customary jacket was missing.

“What’s going on with him?” John whispered to Rodney.

“I have it on good authority...” Rodney started.

“Zelenka, you mean.”

“Like I was saying, I have it on good authority that Teyla is attempting to teach Ronon how to play strip poker. Let’s hope that she’s better than he is.”

“Why?” asked John. “Let’s hope she’s worse than he is!”

“You know, I didn’t think there were any gutters in Atlantis. But your mind seems to have found one, anyway, Colonel.” John gave Rodney his best “Who, me?” look just as the two of them entered the infirmary.

John knew right away that they were in even bigger trouble than usual. An unsmiling nurse handed him a skimpy hospital gown and ushered him into an exam cubicle. She returned a few minutes later and proceeded to draw at least ten tubes of blood. “Ow! I have a headache, nothing more! Although now I’m probably anemic, too,” he groused. She rolled her eyes at him.

“I get it. We’re both on Carson’s shit list, aren’t we?”

“He’s definitely not pleased with you,” came the terse reply.

“Is he ever?” muttered John.

The nurse gathered up the specimens. “Dr. Beckett will be in to see you shortly,” she said as she walked away. John assumed Rodney was receiving similar treatment, as he could hear the scientist’s unhappy voice coming from behind another curtain. John began to wish he had a magazine to read, even if it was only an out-of-date copy of Good Housekeeping. Didn’t all doctors’ offices have stuff like that?

Carson kept him waiting for about thirty minutes. John figured it was a not-so-subtle message that the physician would be calling the shots. But what else could he have done on the mission? If he and Rodney hadn’t figured out a way to communicate with the crew of the Aurora, the Wraith would be on their way to Earth by now. Surely Carson could see that that was an undesirable outcome!

Finally a hand drew back the curtain and the Scot stepped into the cubicle. “Colonel Sheppard,” he said evenly.

“Dr. Beckett,” replied John in a similar tone.

Carson pulled a penlight out of his labcoat pocket and shined it into the colonel’s eyes. “So, can you be telling me your symptoms, now?” he asked.

“Like I said in my memo, it’s a mild headache. Nothing else. No blurry vision, no nausea, no sensitivity to light.” As Carson tapped various reflexes, John ran down the list of questions he knew the doc would ask.

Carson folded his arms across his chest and gave John his patented threatening glare. “You at least seem to remember the answers I want to hear,” he said sarcastically. “But I’m not taking your word for it. When Rodney’s done, it’ll be your turn in the scanner. We’ll talk again after that.”

John just sighed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

At least it hadn’t been as bad as an MRI back home. MRI machines were noisier and much more cramped. But John was still glad when he was finally allowed to stand up and walk around. He wandered over to a computer screen with a picture of a brain on it. He assumed it was his scan, but obviously had no idea how to interpret it. Another nurse walked by and saw him looking confused. She also glanced at the screen, then smiled sweetly and said, “Well, it at least proves you have one.”

All right. He wasn’t a paranoid man, but John had the sudden feeling that there was a conspiracy against him. He looked around the infirmary and caught sight of someone he hoped would be on his side. “Schwartz! Please tell me that at least one person is going to take pity on me.”

The surgeon just smiled and shook his head. “Sorry, Colonel. It’s every man for himself. Usually when the boss is this riled up, it’s at me! I’m keeping a low profile on this one.”

“Chicken,” John muttered under his breath, which made Schwartz grin even more. A heavy hand suddenly landed on John’s shoulder, and he winced. “I know this is stealing Rodney’s line, but I’m a dead man.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John followed Carson into his office, where an annoyed astrophysicist was already waiting. “Can we get this over with?” Rodney snapped. “I already told you, I don’t have any symptoms. The colonel here was just being schaden... sharden... a jerk! He...”

“Rodney. Shut the hell up!” hissed John. “You’re making this worse!”

“Oh, I’M making it worse? You just don’t know when to keep your mouth shut!”

“You, on the other hand, have a perfect grasp of that particular skill.”

Their bickering was interrupted by a loud thud. Carson had picked up a large medical textbook and slammed it down on his desk. “Permit me to say a few things, then you lads can whine at each other for the next three days, for all I care.” John and Rodney had the good sense to look sheepish.

Carson wasn’t yelling now. His voice was calm and even, and that somehow made the two men feel even more uncomfortable. “I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you don’t have a latent death wish. So I’m at a loss to understand why you always try to keep things hidden from the medical staff. Is it the manly thing to do?” John winced again. “Are you worried about non-scientific procedures?” Rodney stared at the floor. “Please tell me; I honestly want to know.”

“You control flight clearances,” said John after a long silence.

“That’s true. And my decisions are totally arbitrary, based on nothing more than who I’ve decided I want to piss off on any given day.” Carson ignored John’s attempt to interrupt. “It’s not like I actually care about whether you come back in one piece.”

“I never said that!” John snapped. “But you do overreact sometimes. ‘Just as a precaution’ isn’t always a good reason to ground someone.”

“Colonel, this entire expedition depends on you to keep us safe from the Wraith and whatever other beasties may be out there. You need to look after yourself not just for your own sake, but for everyone else here! You, too, Rodney. Anything else is just plain selfish. Therefore, yes, ‘just as a precaution’ is usually a good reason to suspend offworld clearance!” The physician’s voice softened just a little. “There will always be exceptions, but you can’t just unilaterally make that decision.”

“So what was it about the Aurora in particular that got your kilt in a twist?” demanded Rodney. John shook his head at Rodney’s typical lack of tact, expecting a Gaelic-laced explosion. But Carson refused to take the bait.

“It’s not any one specific thing, but rather a pattern of systematic disregard for your own welfare. You do it, too. If it’s not sticking your head into random alien gadgets, it’s eating out of random alien pots!” Rodney scowled in response.

John sounded exasperated. “Tell me what you would have done differently. Remember, there were two Wraith cruisers bearing down on us and a very limited opportunity to learn about a weakness that had the potential to save millions of lives. It was a gamble, yeah, but worth it in my judgement. Don’t tell me you’ve never had to make medical judgements like that.”

Carson nodded slowly. “Yes, I have had to make those types of snap decisions. But I usually run them by another person as soon as I can. Even if it’s just to get into an argument with Schwartz. Sometimes we agree, sometimes I think I’m right, and sometimes I even think he comes up with a better solution.”

“You guys do have an interesting relationship,” John smirked.

“Yeah, well, just like with the two of you, I haven’t killed him yet.”

Rodney broke in again. “Have I ever told you what a lovely bedside manner you have, Carson? It’s truly inspiring. Are we done here?”

The physician exhaled loudly. “Not quite. Your neurotransmitter levels are totally out of whack.” He scribbled something on a pad. “You need to take these vitamins for at least two weeks.” Rodney grabbed the prescription and stalked out.

“Really?” asked John.

Carson gave him a small smile. “Yes, although it’s probably not just from the stasis pods. The man has worse eating and sleeping habits than most of my med school class.”

“Ah.”

“Seriously, John. You asked me to work with you after the retrovirus. Now I’m asking you to work with me on this. You’ve got to keep me in the loop if I’m to be able to do my job.”

“I’ll do my best.”

Carson tried to keep a straight face while glaring at John, but couldn’t quite pull it off. “Someone please tell me why I stay friends with you two children?” he asked the room at large.

“Eh, keeps life interesting,” John said cheerfully. He gave Carson a jaunty salute and walked out of the infirmary, whistling.

“Lunatics,” said Carson under his breath. Then he got up and went looking for someone else to yell at. “Schwartz!”

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Mystery solved

Don’t worry about Ronon. It’s just a harmless game of strip poker between him and Teyla. Apparently Teyla is quite the card shark.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Mystery solved

I’m relieved. I could think of many other possible explanations, all of which were quite disturbing. I don’t think it’s just the two of them anymore, though. Sergeant Stackhouse and that new Canadian guy have also played a few hands, from what I’ve heard.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Eldon

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Thanks

I wanted to thank you for helping Drs. McKay and Zelenka facilitate my... brief absence from the infirmary last week. (A/N: Chronicled in “Mission Improbable”) From what I’ve been told, your assistance was invaluable. And we’ve concealed your involvement, so nobody on the medical staff will be the wiser.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Eldon

RE: Thanks

You’re, uh, you’re welcome. I’m just... just returning the favor from Olesia. Am I doing these memo things right?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Guys’ night

You know what? I just realized something. We’ve had two days in a row now where the Wraith haven’t attacked, no nearby planets have blown up, people haven’t swapped bodies, and no one’s changed into a giant bug.

I think this calls for a celebration. Anyone wanna watch some football?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A/N: I’ve received a lot of positive feedback on the Interlude scene where the nurse tells John that his brain scan at least proves that he has a brain. Just wanted to tell you that it’s based on a real life conversation! When I was a student, I had an MRI done for migraines. One of the neurosurgeons I was working with got my permission to show it to the other med students (without my name on it). Then he used that line, saying it proved med students had brains!

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. McKay and Zelenka

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Guys’ night

Aye, that sounds like just the thing. Radek, I’m sure you can scrounge up some alcohol, right? You’ve been very successful at smuggling it to these lads in the past. And shouldn’t we invite Dex, too?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. Beckett and Zelenka

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Guys’ night and Ronon

First strip poker, and now we’re introducing the guy to football? Isn’t there some rule against corrupting our allies?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Guys’ night and Ronon

Admit it, Rodney. You’re just upset because we’re not telling him about hockey. We don’t want to encourage him to get into any more brawls than necessary.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. McKay and Zelenka

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Guys’ night and Ronon

Thank you! I don’t want to be putting stitches in him again. It was scary enough the first time around, let me tell you.

Although, as long as we’re talking about other sports, why don’t we try soccer (the real football).

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Are you kidding?

Them’s fighting words, doc. But I’ll let Ronon know about the shindig. He and Rodney can be in charge of bringing the food.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. McKay and Beckett

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Guys only?

I don’t want to cause trouble, but is this a “no ladies allowed” event? I ask because I cannot imagine Teyla or Dr. Weir being very pleased if they find out that they were excluded. I have never had the opportunity to spar with Teyla, and I do not wish to start now.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Guys only?

This wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain crush that you have, would it?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. McKay and Beckett

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Guys only?

I don’t have a crush on Teyla.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. Beckett and Zelenka

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Guys only?

That’s not who he meant.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. McKay and Beckett

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Guys only?

I also do not have a crush on Elizabeth... I mean Dr. Weir.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Guys only?

Uh-huh. Anyway, in answer to your question, let’s keep this one as guys only. We can have a team poker game or something next week.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Guys’ night

Yo, Dex. Now that you’re a member of the team, it’s time you were introduced to a fine, upstanding athletic tradition. It’s called football. Tomorrow night, rec room, bring munchies.