Memoranda From The Edge (By Dr Dredd)

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Hair

Because you’re having entirely too much fun at our expense. You don’t have to be so smug about the whole thing. The only reason you were immune to Lucius was a viral infection – not exactly a matter of brains or skill.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Misuse of expedition resources

Gentlemen, Dr. Zelenka has informed me that there has been an unusual amount of memo traffic lately. I don’t usually read people’s private messages, but you two are responsible for most of the increase. And although I hate to interrupt such an important discussion, we need the bandwidth for the science staff.

Besides, you’re both wrong about the number of actresses who played Catwoman. You forgot Halle Berry. (Although I can certainly understand why.)

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Hair

Geek.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Hair

Gel-boy.

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A/N: Sateda memos next, mainly because I've finally had the chance to see the episode!

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Unstoppable killing machines

I don’t think calling you Conan is appropriate anymore. From now on, you’re the Terminator. I lost count of how many Wraith you took out.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Unstoppable killing machines

Yeah, Teyla told me about your counting skills. Anyway, I liked that movie. Maybe we can watch it again and play that drinking game you were telling me about.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Unstoppable killing machines

You mean the one where you take a drink every time the Governor of California kills someone? I don’t think so. We’ll all be flat on our asses after ten minutes. Carson would kill me for doing that before you fully recovered.

You’re nuttier than a fruitcake, you know that?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Unstoppable killing machines

Mmm… fruitcake.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Unstoppable killing machines

What’s California?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Unstoppable killing machines

It’s a place on my planet. Nice beaches, good surfing, the entire cast of Baywatch... You look like one of the guys on that show, by the way.

Oh, forget it. You probably have no idea what I’m talking about.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Got into trouble again

So... exactly how pissed is Caldwell?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Got into trouble again

Very. He hasn’t spoken to me since all of you got back, and he won’t release any more of the coffee supplies, either.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Got into trouble again

Oh, shit. Rodney’s head is going to explode. First he can’t sit down, then he can’t drink coffee. We’re all doomed.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Morphine

I’ve put a note in your medical chart, Rodney. No more morphine for you. It makes you loopy.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Morphine

Loopy? Is that a medical term? No wonder the so-called medical sciences haven’t gotten anywhere.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Morphine

Aye, it’s a medical term. I could have called you “daft,” you know.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Morphine

Gee, thanks Carson! That makes me feel ever so much better. And for the record, I STILL can’t sit down. So much for pain control.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Morphine

You’ll feel better soon. And you’ve stopped being the... er, butt of most people’s jokes, so that’s a plus.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

Go right on mocking me. If you keep it up, I might convince Ronon to take you up on your dare to sue you.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

Ach, you’re right, Rodney. ‘Twas terribly unprofessional of me. And I wouldn’t want to risk my ASS in a lawsuit.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Teyla Emmagan

RE: Killing Wraith

I hope that you are not too angry with me for preventing Colonel Sheppard from shooting the Wraith leader when he had the opportunity. I truly believed I was doing what you wanted me to do. Did I err in my judgment?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Killing Wraith

Nah. I didn’t really leave you with much choice, did I. I’m glad the jumper fired that drone – Doc’s a real scrappy guy when he wants to be. And the look on McKay’s face when he thought I was going to kill him was priceless.

Don’t tell him I said that, though.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Teyla Emmagan

RE: Killing Wraith

I will not tell Dr. McKay. I do not wish for you to lack hot water in your quarters for the next few weeks.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Clothing

McKay mentioned something about a law suit. Is that something like a dress uniform? I always hated wearing those on Sateda.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Clothing

Lord above grant me patience. No, lad, it’s nothing like that. It’s a wee bit complicated to explain, though. We can talk about it when you come to the infirmary to have your stitches removed.

Speaking of which, I’d like to get you down here soon, before you get it into your head to try to remove the stitches yourself. Between trying to dig the first tracker out of your back and taking out the metal fragment from your own leg, you seem to be trying to put me out of a job!

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

Thanks a lot, Rodney.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

Not a problem. Just me being a caring and sensitive guy.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

Oh, for the love of… you know I didn’t mean anything by that.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

I’m not sure I do, Dr. Carson “Shoot-first-and-ask-questions-later” Beckett.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

All right, Rodney. I’m not sure why you’re in such a pissy mood right now, but you obviously need to get it out of your system. Why don’t we meet on one of the balconies later tonight, scream at each other for a while, then have a drink.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

Done!

132. Brief Interlude 10

A/N: Ah, the long-delayed update. I actually started writing this a month ago, but was interrupted by a Secret Santa project. Here's the interlude for Sateda, to be followed soon by new memos for Progeny.

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Carson was whistling softly to himself as he entered the infirmary to begin his day. He hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before, and he knew he was going to pay for it later, but it had definitely been worth it. The physician couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed so hard.

As promised, he’d met Rodney on one of the balconies that they both enjoyed frequenting. It was early evening, and a warm breeze was blowing off the ocean. Carson had graciously let the physicist take the first shot, and the insult-fest had started off with a bang, so to speak.

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“Blow up anything today, Carson?”

Hmm… weak insult. Definitely not up to Rodney’s usual standards. “Unfortunately, no. But I also didn’t have to look up anyone’s bum, so I think I came out ahead.”

Then they were off. Rodney called him Rambo again, saying that he definitely had changed if his first instinct in a crisis was to pick up a gun and start blasting. Carson had retorted that Rodney had changed, too. First he barely knew what to do with the jumper controls, and now he was acting like a fighter pilot. Although, the physician wanted to say for the record that Rodney still couldn’t fly the bloody thing in a straight line!

They went on to discuss Rodney’s hypochondria and Carson’s homesickness, taking a temporary detour so that Rodney could sneer about what Carson’s mother would think of Laura. (“Kissing her dear son while trapped in another man’s body. That’s healthy.”) The physician remarked innocently that he hadn’t seen much of Katie Brown recently, so obviously the Canadian’s love life wasn’t anything to brag about. Just once, Carson thought he had crossed the line when he insinuated that Rodney’s mother ought to be glad that her son had at least found somebody human. The blood had drained from Rodney’s face at that, his jaw clenching and unclenching rapidly. But then he recovered, snapping that he wasn’t sure Laura qualified. Neither did the sheep.

On and on it went, until Rodney was reduced to sputtering, “You voodoo-practicing, haggis-eating, sheep-shearing, haggis-eating…”

“You said that already,” Carson offered helpfully.

Rodney’s mouth opened and closed like a fish for a moment, then he gave up and burst out laughing. “You win,” he finally gasped. His voice trailed off as he started to snicker again.

Carson smiled smugly and crossed his arms over his chest. All he said, though, was, “Feeling better, then?”

“Asshole.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” The physician reached into his bag and took out two glasses and a bottle. His eyes gleamed as he looked at the label. “Ah, Glenlivet. The good stuff.”

Rodney accepted a glass and clinked it against Carson’s. “Cheers,” he said softly.

“Slainte,” Carson agreed. They sipped in silence for a few minutes. “So, lad, why were you in such a foul mood?”

The physicist looked at him incredulously. “Are you kidding? I hate getting shots in the ass from you and your henchmen; I really didn’t appreciate an arrow!” Carson rolled his eyes at the “henchmen” comment. “And everyone was having way too much fun at my expense.”

“Ah.” Carson chuckled a bit.

“What?!”

“Nothing, really. It’s just that… well, you really were kind of spaced out on the morphine. But I’d still rather see you stoned on that than on the Wraith enzyme.”

Rodney stiffened again for a minute, then relaxed and gave a rueful laugh of his own. “Like I told Sheppard, I don’t do well with mind-altering substances. Except maybe caffeine.”

“You’re bloody scary when you’ve had too much caffeine. And when you’ve had too little of it. Even Zelenka sometimes runs and hides.”

They continued in this vein for awhile, then got serious as they turned to the topic of Ronon. One thing that Rodney said really struck home for Carson. “So, tell me. Have you ever had a real conversation with the man?”

Carson had to admit that he hadn’t. But since Ronon was coming in the next morning to get his stitches removed, he was going to rectify that.

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“Thank you, lass,” Carson said to the nurse who handed him Ronon’s chart. Even though he’d come to Atlantis more recently than the rest of his team, his chart was just as thick. Ronon had acquired his fair share of injuries, both serious and non. Although he was stoic, he was mostly honest, so treating him wasn’t too difficult, except for his tendency to practice do-it-yourself surgery.

Carson pulled back the curtain surrounding the exam cubicle and ducked inside. The big Satedan was sitting on an exam table, idly tapping his fingers on the edge of a metal equipment tray. On the tray, under a drape, was the suture kit Carson had set up earlier.

Ronon looked up, grinned at the physician, and gave his customary greeting. “Hey, doc.”

Carson returned the smile. “Good morning, Ronon. Feeling all right, then?”

“Yeah. The leg only hurts a little when I walk.”

“And of course you’ve been taking it easy like I told you to.” Carson rolled his eyes as Ronon gave the tiniest of shrugs. “I swear, you’re as bad as Colonel Sheppard sometimes. All right, let’s have a look at that leg.”

Ronon was wearing a pair of loosely-fitting scrub pants, and Carson rolled up one leg so he could see the shrapnel wound. It was healing nicely, with no evidence of infection. “Those stitches are definitely ready to come out. Hold still, this might sting a bit.” As he spoke, the physician donned a pair of gloves and removed the drape from the suture kit. Working quickly and carefully, he snipped each stitch and gently pulled the thread out of the skin.

“How’s your back?” Carson asked when he finally straightened up. He shook his head disapprovingly as Ronon merely grunted in response. “All right, then. Off with your shirt.”

Looking surprisingly meek, the Satedan removed his shirt and lay on his stomach. Carson frowned as he got a good look at the place where the tracking device had been. The incision site was an angry red in color and quite warm to the touch. “Unfortunately, lad, this looks like it’s gotten infected. Frankly, I’m surprised it doesn’t hurt like a bugger. I’m afraid I’m going to have to drain it.” He patted Ronon on the shoulder. “Hang on for a bit.”

The physician left the room and returned a few minutes later with an armful of supplies. “I might have to go deep. Would you like a wee bit of something to help you relax?”

“No, thanks. I’m good.”

Carson threw up his hands. “Of course not.” He drew up a small amount of local anesthetic into a syringe and injected it into the muscles of Ronon’s back. “We’ll give that a few minutes to take effect.”

Ronon nodded and closed his eyes. “Whatever you say.” Lying there like that, with his head pillowed on his arm, he looked relaxed enough already. It made him appear years younger.

The physician took a scalpel and made a small incision over the infected area. A small amount of pus drained out, and he cut a little deeper. As he worked, he asked casually, “So, what was it like for you to be back on Sateda?”

Ronon opened his eyes and looked suspiciously at Carson, as if expecting him to suddenly morph into Kate Heightmeyer. (Ronon most emphatically didn’t trust her.) But the physician only asked, “Did it make it easier or harder to fight the Wraith?”

The question seemed to take Ronon by surprise. “Hadn’t really thought about it. A little of both, I guess. I had the advantage of knowing the territory, but I had to make sure that things didn’t distract me.”

The physician smiled slightly. “I can’t imagine anything distracting you from killing Wraith.”

“Little things, you know? Some of the tunnels we fought in... my unit fought in them right before Sateda fell. And the hospital...”

“The hospital?” Carson prompted.

“Yeah. My wife was a nurse there.” Ronon’s tone was flat, matter-of-fact.

Carson, on the other hand, wouldn’t have been more surprised if he’d come upon Ronon and Michael sharing a friendly drink. “I... didn’t know you were married,” he finally said.

“Her name was Malena. We were only married for about a year. She could have evacuated through the gate when the Wraith came, but she refused to leave her patients. She was stubborn.” He gave a hollow little laugh. “Kinda like you, doc.” Although Ronon had never referred to it again, Carson knew that the big Satedan had been reluctantly impressed that day when he’d removed the first tracker, while literally under the gun.

“Malena sounds like someone I would have wanted on my staff.”

Ronon smiled proudly, if a little sadly. “I think she would have liked it here.” He shut his eyes again, only to reopen them with a hiss as Carson hit a sore spot.

“Sorry,” the physician apologized. “I’m almost done.” He took some gauze and started packing the wound. To distract Ronon, he said, “If you don’t my asking, son, what happened to her?”

The other man was silent for so long that Carson thought he wasn’t going to answer. “She got caught in an explosion when the Wraith got to the hospital. A wall blew in on her.”

“You were there.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yeah.”

Carson sighed. “I’m sorry for your loss. And it couldn’t have been easy to have it all stirred up again.” He finished putting a dressing on the wound and clapped Ronon on the shoulder. “That’s it; I’m done. I want you back here for daily dressing changes for the first few days, then we’ll take it from there.” He left the cubicle and waited for Ronon to get dressed. When the other man emerged, he added, “I know you don’t like Kate, but I’m available if you ever want to get something like this off your chest. Rodney can tell you that I keep a supply of very good Scotch on hand for such occasions.”

Ronon hesitated, then nodded curtly. “I might take you up on that, someday.”

“Just keep it in mind.” A small smile played on the physician’s lips. “And speaking of Scotch, you can tell Colonel Sheppard that you’re cleared to play that Terminator drinking game I’ve heard about through the grapevine.”

Ronon was startled into a laugh. “Didn’t know you knew about that. I’ll tell him.” He started to walk out the door.

“Don’t forget the dressing changes!” Carson called.

Ronon said with a feral grin, “I won’t. I’ll be back.”

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Asurans

After thousands of years of evolving and replicating, the best they could come up with was Oberoth? He wasn’t exactly the most “effective and efficient form.” In fact, he looked like Santa Claus with anger management issues.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Asurans

Thank you so much for that image. As if I didn’t find the holidays frightening enough. Screaming kids, rampant commercialism, and now homicidal Replicator cultural icons.

Oh, look! Is that a clown I see over there?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Asurans

Cute, McKay. I was simply pointing out that the Ancients’ technology has its limits.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Asurans

Yes, well, their method of interfacing and updating each other is surprisingly primitive. It surpasses Microsoft Windows in its general level of suckiness.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Asurans

Suckiness?!

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Asurans

Yes, suckiness. Is there a problem?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Asurans

You mean other than it not being an actual word?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Asurans

Hey, if you can come up with “Ancienty,” I can come up with “suckiness.” And Windows surpasses even DOS in that regard. At least DOS was predictable in its awfulness – you never know how Windows is going to screw up next.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Microsoft

Let me guess. You think that Bill Gates is a Goa’uld.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Microsoft

No, he’s definitely a Wraith. Sucks the life out of people’s computers, and it explains how a virus took out the Daedalus so easily.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Microsoft

Scarily, that actually makes sense. Go figure.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Friendliness

Once again, the “we come in peace, shoot to kill” stance was right on target, so to speak. Remind me about that the next time we investigate a city of so-called Ancients.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Friendliness

Sure thing, Sheppard. You want me to smack you upside the head like you always do to McKay?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Friendliness

Uh... no, not really. A simple nudge will do.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Friendliness

Where’s the fun in that?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Replicator visions

Hey, you okay? What exactly did Niam show you when he took you on that little acid trip?

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Replicator visions/acid trip

Well, I didn’t see Timothy Leary, that’s for sure! So much for “turn on, tune in, drop out.” I did see the history of the Asurans, though. And before that, someone forced me to keep reliving the break-up with Simon. I’m starting to get more than a little pissed off at the Ancients.

What sort of trip did they take you on?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Replicator visions

A fake Wraith invasion of Atlantis. Some people evacuated back to Earth, but I stayed behind to manually set off the self-destruct.

Don’t tell Rodney. He’d kill me for going on another suicide mission, even if it wasn’t real.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Back in the cell

Getting back to our conversation about mind probes. I can’t believe you said what you did! First of all, your reference to anal probes says disturbing things about your psyche. (I need mental bleach now, thank you very much.) Secondly, why give them any ideas?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Back in the cell

Hey, I didn’t actually say anything. I just said that at least our thoughts were the only things being probed. It was your dirty mind that filled in other references to anatomy. Does Heightmeyer need to get involved here?

A/N: Just wanted to thank all of you for reviewing. Even though I haven't been able to respond to everyone individually, I do appreciate it:-)

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Back in the cell

Oh, ha ha. Very cute. No, the only thing we need to call her for is your suicidal tendencies. And before you ask, I found out by reading your mission report. What, do you think I ignore them all the time?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Back in the cell

No, just most of the time. And it’s sweet of you to worry about me. Do you know that, in Oberoth’s scenario, you actually offered to flip a coin with me?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Back in the cell

I’m not worried about you! I just... wouldn’t want to have to break in a new military leader. Or worse, I wouldn’t want BATES to take over!

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Back in the cell

Awww, you’re just a big softie.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Back in the cell

Zelenka once accused me of the same thing. Stop saying that! I’m an arrogant bastard, and don’t you forget it!

A/N: After a long delay, I've finally written the memos for "The Real World." Here are the first of them...

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

That’s the second time I’ve been made a prisoner in my own mind. I think this was worse than Phebus, though. She was only trying to kill everyone. The nanites were driving me mad! No offense to Kate Heightmeyer, but I think I’m going to be avoiding her for awhile.

The only redeeming feature of that nightmare was seeing my mother and Sedge. I miss them sometimes.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

I disagree. You didn’t try to have Teyla shoot me, but YOU almost died. I can deal with a P-90; soul-destroying robots are harder.

Wait a minute, I guess I’m agreeing with you. Never mind.

So what’s the score now? Teyla’s been taken over by an alien entity once, I got taken over once, and even Rodney’s experienced a mind invasion. (Though I doubt Lieutenant Cadman would appreciate being lumped into the same category with a Wraith and an alien memory implant.) You’re the only one who’s had this happen twice. You win.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Actually, I think Carson wins. He’s been beat up by people who were possessed by alien things, but he’s never been on the other side of it.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Heh. I’m avoiding Carson right now. He’s pretty pissed (again).

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

What did you do this time?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Um... well... I kinda broke quarantine again. Now, before you get upset, let me just say that I thought it would help convince you to fight those little bastards.

And it did save you from Nurse Ratched and her crew...

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

I suppose I should be angry with you, too. But the truth is: I don’t have the heart to. I guess sometimes you really do have to go with your gut.

If I see Carson, I’ll tell him you went to the mainland... :-)

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

That would be most appreciated.

A/N: Wow, thanks for all of the recent reviews! I know I haven't been able to respond to them individually, but they are appreciated:-)

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Skipped appointment

Elizabeth, love, are you avoiding me? It’s not like you to miss your follow-up.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Skipped appointment

I’m not avoiding you, Carson. I’m trying to avoid Kate. No offense to her, but I really don’t want to talk to any shrinks right now.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Avoidance behavior

Completely understandable. From what you were telling me, that “Fletcher” chap didn’t sound even remotely competent. I’ve never known Kate to be heavy-handed like that. I think she’d be a good person for you to talk to, but it’s your choice. Either way, though, I do need to see you.

By the way, have you seen Colonel Sheppard anywhere? I think he’s avoiding me, too.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Avoidance behavior

Never mind. Don’t bother to answer that. If I know him, he’s probably sworn you to secrecy, and I won’t ask you to break that confidence. He probably told people to say he’s on the mainland, anyway.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Avoidance behavior and Colonel Sheppard

I won’t confirm or deny that, but I do have to say I’m surprised. Why wouldn’t you ask me to “rat him out,” so to speak? Or vice versa, for that matter?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Avoidance behavior and Colonel Sheppard

Because I know that any of you would come tell me in a heartbeat if something was wrong with one of the others. You do a better job of keeping an eye on each other than I ever could. It’s to my benefit to keep that arrangement intact, and if it requires a little inconvenience tracking you down sometimes; well, then, so be it.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Avoidance behavior and Colonel Sheppard

I think we underestimate you sometimes, Carson.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Avoidance behavior and Colonel Sheppard

Especially Rodney! Hmmph.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Brilliant ideas

So, Rodney, ready to admit that medicine is a science?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Brilliant ideas

You’re kidding, right? Captain Kirk woke Sleeping Beauty up by holding her hand! Hardly scientific.

-

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Brilliant ideas

Yes, because your electromagnetic pulse did such a good job. By the way, why is it your electromagnetic pulse and our way to uncouple the nanite cells?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Brilliant ideas

Because nanites are real science.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Brilliant ideas

You have no idea how much you’re pushing it, do you? Keep it up and I may just tell Elizabeth that you called her Sleeping Beauty. She’ll either think it’s really sweet, or she’ll kill you.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Acastas Kolya

Hey, guys. Do me a favor. If it ever again looks like I’m hesitating about killing him, shoot me.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Acastas Kolya

OK. You want we should shoot him, too?

-

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Acastas Kolya

If you can’t think of anything worse to do...

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Acastas Kolya

Right. So, how old do you think Kolya’s pet Wraith left you, anyway?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Acastas Kolya

Physically or mentally?

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Acastas Kolya

Cute, Rodney. Very cute. You know, Kolya said he would have “settled” for you, but he didn’t want to listen to you whine the whole time.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Acastas Kolya

Ha! I knew there was a survival benefit! Remember that the next time you make fun of me on a mission.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Interrogation

Sure. Whatever you say, McKay.

Yo, Ronon! You and Weir seem to have the “Good Cop, Bad Cop” routine down pat!

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Interrogation

What’s that?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Good Cop, Bad Cop

That’s when you have two people questioning someone. One of the two pretends to be on the prisoner’s side, while the other one threatens to beat the living shit out of him. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out which cop you are.

Hardly seems fair, though. You’ve had way too much practice. What I’d like to see is you and Elizabeth switching roles.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Good Cop, Bad Cop

Ronon as the good cop? Yeah, that’ll be the day.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Good Cop, Bad Cop

I can be good, McKay.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Good Cop, Bad Cop

Oh, yes. That’s why you and Ladon are best buddies now.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Good Cop, Bad Cop

That’s not fair. I only tried to kill him once.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Good Cop, Bad Cop

Twice, actually.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Teyla Emmagan

RE: Good Cop, Bad Cop

I believe Dr. McKay is correct. It was twice.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Good Cop, Bad Cop

All right, kids. That’s enough. I think we can all agree that Ronon’s a badass and will never be drinking buddies with Ladon. That okay with you, big guy?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Good Cop, Bad Cop

Whatever.

-

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Annihilating mice

I think Disney’s gonna be pissed at you for shooting Mickey. Poor little fella.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Annihilating mice

Hmph. I was right. The Wraith de-aged you mentally, too. (Or not – you weren’t that mature to begin with.)

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Annihilating mice

I’m hurt. You slay me.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Annihilating mice

No, I don’t. And try not to let any Wraith do it, either, will you?. Carson says you’ve given him most of the gray hairs he’s developed this year.

147. Brief Interlude 11

John shook his head at Rodney’s last memo. “And you gave him the rest!” He typed the words quickly and hit send, then shut down his computer. Time to sack out. Rodney-baiting was like dessert: deliciously satisfying, but you had to be careful not to overindulge.

He stripped down to his boxers and tossed his clothes in the direction of the hamper. No sense in neatly folding them; he had to do laundry tomorrow anyway. After checking to be sure his earpiece was within easy reach and his pistol was in the nightstand, he crawled into bed. A simple “Lights out!” plunged the room into darkness.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John was rudely awakened when a Marine crashed into his bedroom and screamed at him. “DON’T MOVE!” the other man yelled.

“What the hell is going on here, Sergeant?!” John asked angrily. He reached for his radio, but stopped when he found himself staring up the barrel of a P-90. He put his hands up slowly, careful to keep them within view. “Okaaaay. Why don’t you put that down before somebody – namely me – gets hurt. Whatever’s bothering you, we can work it out...”

“Major!” the Marine yelled. “He’s secure.”

Lorne entered the room, looking around quickly to avoid any ambush. “Good work, Sergeant.” He looked coldly at his commanding officer. “Colonel Sheppard, I have orders to take you into custody.”

“For what, exactly?” John’s voice dripped sarcasm.

“I was not given that information, sir. Now stand up, please.” When the colonel complied, Lorne took out a pair of plastic restraints.

“Whoa-whoa-whoa! Can I at least get dressed first?” John moved towards the clothing he had tossed across the room, but was stopped by an angry jab from the Marine’s weapon. He sighed, “You’re just going to have to shoot me, then, because I refuse to be paraded down the hall in my skivvies.”

For a minute, Lorne looked tempted, but then he gave a brief nod. “Thank you,” John said with exaggerated politeness. He didn’t resist any further when his hands were cuffed behind him. “You wanna tell me what’s going on?” he asked Lorne in a low voice as they herded him out of his quarters.

“I was not given that information, sir!”

John stared at his 2IC. “What’s with the formality? You never act like this.” Lorne glared at him but didn’t bother to answer.

They brought him to a small conference room and locked him inside. They’d put an Earth-based lock on the door, so he couldn’t even use his gene to get out. With some trepidation, John realized that this was the same conference room they had used when Ronon tried to intimidate Kavanaugh. Was he in for a similar session? Why?

As if the colonel’s thoughts had conjured Ronon up, the big Satedan walked into the room at that moment. He slowly moved to the table where John was sitting and loomed over him. John swallowed nervously. His hands were still cuffed behind his back, but his feet were free. He thought he could get in a few good kicks before Ronon took him down.

Before he could act, Ronon reached over and unfastened the clasp on the restraints. John was so surprised that he gaped at the other man for a minute before remembering to free his wrists.

“Thanks,” John said. “Finally, someone around here is showing some sense. Now, what say we go figure out who orchestrated this colossal screw-up.”

But Ronon was shaking his head. “Can’t do it, Sheppard. Technically, I shouldn’t have even untied you.”

“What?!”

“You’re in a lot of trouble. What you did was not smart.”

“But I don’t even know what I did!” John wanted to howl. “One minute I’m sleeping, and the next Lorne busts into my room acting like someone shoved a stick up his...”

“Thank you for that lovely image, Colonel,” said a new voice. John looked around and gaped again. Whereas Ronon was dressed in a conservative-looking suit, the newcomer was wearing tight-fitting black leather and stiletto heels. Her nails were painted with blood-red polish and her lipstick was only one or two shades lighter.

“Elizabeth?” John squeaked. He started to feel a little faint.

In a flash, she stalked across the room and invaded John’s personal space. “That’s Dr. Weir to you. And I want to know what you did with my stash.”

“Your... stash,” John said slowly, stalling for time while he tried to figure a way out of this nightmare. He glanced at Ronon, who was starting to look a little frantic.

“I’m trying to help you,” Ronon hissed, “but you have to give me something to work with! I can’t stop her if you don’t come clean.”

John gave up trying to make sense of the whole thing. “Your stash,” he repeated. “You want me to tell you where I put it.”

“That’s right,” Weir replied. Next to her, Ronon nodded encouragingly.

“Well, that’s going to be tough,” John drawled. “It’s...um... stashed away somewhere.”

Weir laughed. It wasn’t a pleasant sound. She circled around the colonel, walking behind him so that the only way he could track her progress was by the clicking of her heels. “You’re funny,” she said. Her voice dropped to a whisper as she bent to speak in John’s ear. “But I’m willing to bet you won’t be as funny when it’s just you and a room full of Iratus bugs.”

He couldn’t help the involuntary shudder. “You are a sick woman,” he said disgustedly.

She walked around the table to face him again. “That I am,” she agreed. “And I’m losing patience.” Without warning, Weir leaned over and grabbed John by his collar. “For the last time, WHERE’S MY CHAMOMILE TEA STASH?!”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John bolted upright in bed with sweat running down his face. It took a few minutes before he stopped gasping for breath and his heart stopped racing. Gradually he relaxed as he realized he had literally been stuck in a nightmare. “Wow,” he said out loud. “Ronon as good cop, Liz as bondage queen bad cop.” His heart rate sped up again at the thought of Elizabeth’s tight leather outfit, but this time it had nothing to do with fear...

“You are a bad man,” he groaned to himself as he got up to take a cold shower.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Morning found John nursing a cup of coffee in the mess hall. He was really tired, but there had been no question of getting back to sleep after that dream. And what the hell was his subconscious thinking, anyway? Heightmeyer would have a Freudian field day if she knew, but that was never going to happen. He’d rather get sucked dry by a Wraith again than have that conversation with her.

Other people began straggling in and filling their trays with various combinations of Athosian fruits, pancakes, and scrambled Pegasus eggs. John considered grabbing his own tray, but the thought of the horrid eggs took his appetite away. After this, he’d have to go hit up McKay for some powerbars.

He must have drifted for a bit, because the next thing he knew, Elizabeth was sitting down in the seat across from him and Carson was sliding into the space next to him. “Good morning, John!” Elizabeth said cheerfully.

John’s response was to groan and put his head down.

“Well, someone’s a wee bit grouchy today.” John looked up to see a concerned expression on the doctor’s face. “You look like you didn’t sleep much. Everything all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just some vivid dreams, that’s all.”

“Well, I’m not surprised, given what you recently went through.” John didn’t bother to correct Carson’s assumption of Wraith-filled nightmares. “Let me know if you want something to help you sleep.”

Elizabeth smiled. “I have just the thing to relax you.” She reached into her pocket and took out a handful of tea bags. “Chamomile tea. Would you like some?”

John stood up with unseemly haste. “No! Thank you, that’s very kind, but I wouldn’t want to take your stash. Anyway, I have to go help Rodney and Zelenka. They need an ATA-guinea pig to sit in the chair.” He hurried out of the mess hall without looking back.

“Well, that was odd!” Carson said. “I imagine the lad’s pretty stressed, though. That would explain it.”

Elizabeth considered it, then nodded. “You’re probably right. Anyway, this just means more for us.”

FIN... of "Common Ground" memos

A/N: I originally intended this interlude to be a simple case of role-reversed Good Cop/Bad Cop. I have no idea how dominatrix!Liz got in there. Wonder what that says about my subconscious. :facepalm:

MEMO

TO: Atlantis Expedition Members

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Recent events

By now you all have heard that we no longer have a functioning ZPM. It was depleted in a successful attempt to collapse the matter bridge. Despite what it cost us, I believe we did the right thing in expending the power needed to send Rod back to his home universe, too.

Rest assured that this is by no means the same situation we were in during our first year in Atlantis. Since the Daedalus will still be making regular trips, we are not completely cut off from Earth. The Wraith have no reason to come back to our planet, so we will hopefully not need the cloak.

We will, however, need to severely cut back on our power usage. I know this will disrupt a lot of research in progress, and I’m sorry about that, but I don’t see how we can avoid it. The naquadah generators have to last us a long time, and I’m counting on you to make sure of it.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Recent events

If you so much as mention the word Arcturus again, being fired will be the least of your worries.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Recent events

“The Wraith have no reason to come back to our planet.” Don’t you think that’s being overly optimistic?

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Recent events

Probably. What do you want me to say? That there’s now a good chance the Wraith could kill us all?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Recent events

Good point.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Recent events

It wasn’t just my fault, you know. Other people, including my sister, played a role in this. Even Colonel Carter thought it was a good idea. Why are you only blaming me?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Recent events

Sibling rivalry aside, your sister isn’t my Chief Science Advisor. Neither is Colonel Carter. What’s gotten into you, Rodney? You’re starting to sound like a five-year old.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Recent events

It’s her fault. She always brings out the worst in me.

PRIVATE MEMO
TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Recent events

I'll assume the "she" to whom you're referring is Jeannie, although Colonel Carter seems to have the same effect on you.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Jeannie

Your sister is so much more pleasant to deal with than you. Are you sure you will not consider switching places with her?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Jeannie

You're funny, Radek. Keep it up, and you'll find yourself switching places -- with the sanitation crew!

Besides, Colonel Carter said she was a pain in the ass.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Jeannie

Yes, but at least she was polite.