Memoranda From The Edge (By Dr Dredd)

Auteur : Dr. Dredd
Rating : K+
Saison : 2
Genre : Humor/General

Note : La traduction, je l'espère arrivera bientôt si j'ai l'accord de la traductrice. Vous ne croyer tout de même pas que j'allais laisser passer cette fic qu'en même! Chaque post corespond à un chapitre poster sur FF.net

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MEMO

TO: Atlantis Expedition Members

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Bulletin Board

It has come to my attention that many of you have been missing meetings and other required appointments lately. I have therefore decided to start this electronic bulletin board for the posting of important notices. I will no longer accept “I didn’t know it was scheduled” as a valid excuse. (Yes, that means you, Dr. Kavenaugh.)

Please note that this board is for legitimate traffic only and not for the posting of frivolous messages or items of a personal nature. As an example, announcements of a football game screening would fall into the disallowed category. (Besides, we’ve all seen it already, John.)

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

- Elizabeth Weir

MEMO

TO: Atlantis Expedition Members

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: You cheeky little buggers

I realize that many of you are unhappy about the new vaccination policy we recently implemented. However, it is vitally important that everybody’s immune system be routinely stimulated so that it can defend against the variety of pathogens found here in the Pegasus galaxy. After the nanovirus, it never hurts to be too careful.

Regardless, if you have a problem with the new procedures, I would appreciate it if you would come speak with me rather than make derogatory sheep comments behind my back. There’s no bloody need to be rude or obnoxious. Think of it as self-preservation, too. I am the one with the needle, after all.

P.S. (I have suspended my Hippocratic Oath until further notice.)

MEMO

TO: Atlantis Expedition Members

FROM: Col. Steven Caldwell

RE: Chain of command

I would like to clear up a few misapprehensions regarding standard military procedure on this base of operations. John Sheppard is a lieutenant colonel whereas my rank is full colonel. I would appreciate being made aware of important events as they are happening. For instance, last week’s threatened mainframe erasure is something I should have known about. Dr. Kavenaugh’s exploding toilet, on the other hand, is not. Please rectify your reporting procedures in the future.

Secondly, I am well aware that rumor can spread very quickly in a small community like ours. I would like to put to rest one rumor that I know has been circulating. I am not now, nor have I ever been, an agent in the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Please cease and desist from all speculation of this nature.

P.S. (Neither was Colonel Sumner.)

MEMO

TO: Colonel Steven Caldwell

FROM: Dr. Kavenaugh

RE: Medical malpractice and other disturbing incidents

I would like to make you aware of several occasions on which the cavalier attitude of the senior staff jeopardized the lives and health of expedition members. Their reckless disregard for our safety is very concerning.

The first incident concerns the plumbing in my living quarters. As you know, ten days ago the toilet facilities detonated when I attempted to use them. Fortunately I was not seriously injured, but a piece of shrapnel became embedded in a... lower back muscle. Although I have no proof, I believe I know who the culprit is. Yet for some reason Dr. McKay has not seen fit to discipline this individual. As department head, it is his responsibility to do so.

The second troubling incident occurred when I went to the infirmary to have the shrapnel removed. I was understandably in a great deal of pain, yet Dr. Beckett did not express appropriate concern. And furthermore, he threatened to unnecessarily stick a hypodermic needle in the same body region as my injury. This is especially disturbing given his recent memo renouncing the Hippocratic Oath, and may be actionable under malpractice tort law.

I realize that, as a civilian, I should be reporting my concerns to Dr. Weir. However, I believe that she is too biased in favor of her friends to provide an impartial judgement. I leave the matter in your capable hands.

cc: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

Dr. Rodney McKay

Dr. Carson Beckett

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x

x

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zalenka

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: FW: Medical malpractice and other disturbing incidents

Radek, was that you? - McKay

MEMO

TO: Colonel Steven Caldwell, Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Dr. Kavenaugh’s accusations

I applaud Dr. Kavenaugh’s restraint in not mentioning the name of the person he is accusing of malfeasance, since to do so would undoubtedly cause much embarrassment. (Whether to the alleged perpetrator or Dr. Kavenaugh himself is left as an exercise for the student.) However, since the doctrine of “innocent until proven guilty” is still honored in most places on Earth, I respectfully request that he present his evidence. Oh wait, I forgot -- he doesn’t have any. If I am to “discipline” someone, I need to know that I am doing it for a valid reason.

An alternative explanation for the defective plumbing could have been found in the large pile of papers that up until recently was taking up space on Dr. Kavenaugh’s desk. (Incidentally, since paper is at a premium, it would be useful to come up with a way of ensuring that people actually read their notices.) Had Dr. Kavenaugh bothered to check, he would have found that a test of the hot water distribution system was being planned for approximately the time when the toilet facilities blew up. Obviously, there are some faults in that system. Since Dr. Kavenaugh now has a vested interest, I recommend that he join the crew investigating the malfunctions.

I regret that either of you were forced to become involved in what should have been an internal dispute.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Exploding toilets

This should clear things up for you, Elizabeth, at least from the plumbing standpoint. As for the Highlander, I'll let him fight his own battles. Maybe he can cut off the idiot's head.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zalenka

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Exploding toilets

You SO owe me for this one, Radek. - McKay

A/N: For all of you who requested a snarky McKay memo, hope you liked it! And Emma, I think you’re right about Kavenaugh becoming the Frank Burns of Atlantis. :-)

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Dr. Kavenaugh’s accusations

You don’t honestly believe the tripe the lad’s been spouting, do you? He came to the infirmary with a piece of metal in his miserable arse, squealed like a stuck pig, and then had the nerve to scream bloody malpractice when I tried to inject the local anesthetic. Obviously I do take my oath seriously, because he’d be a bloomin’ porcupine otherwise!

I will include all of the details in my official report. Hopefully that will be the end of this nonsense.

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MEMO

TO: Colonel Steven Caldwell, Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Incident Report

The following is from my official documentation of Dr. Kavenaugh’s infirmary visit:

Dr. K. is a 32 year old male with no significant past medical history who presents for care following an unfortunate accident. The patient reports that he was attempting to use his toilet when he heard a loud, gurgling noise. Immediately following this, the toilet facilities exploded. The patient suffered a secondary blast injury when a metal shard became embedded in the lateral aspect of the right gluteus maximus muscle

X-rays of the affected area revealed no involvement of the pelvic bones or lumbar spine. Therefore the decision was made to remove the pipe shrapnel under local anesthesia. At this point, the patient became argumentative and insisted upon receiving general anesthesia rather than a “jab in the butt.” The dangers of this alternative approach (e.g. respiratory depression, anesthetic reactions) were explained to the patient, who verbalized understanding.

After the area was prepped and draped in the usual sterile fashion, an attempt was made to infiltrate the skin with 1 percent lidocaine. At this point, the patient once again became belligerent. Since he was threatening the sterility of the surgical site and exposing himself to the risk of infection, he was firmly instructed to avoid unnecessary movement.

Once the surgical site was anesthetized, a 5-mm incision was made medial to the entry wound so that the entire length of the foreign body could be exposed. Sterile forceps were then used to extract a 3 centimeter metal sliver. The superficial wound was flushed with sterile saline, one gram of cephalexin was administered as prophylaxis against infection, and a sterile dressing was applied to the incision site.

As you can see, all of the necessary and proper steps were taken to ensure patient safety. The standard of care was adhered to at all times, and the outcome was satisfactory. There is clearly no malpractice claim to be made here. Res ipsa loquitur.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Legal terminology

You are correct in that res ipsa loquitur means “the facts speak for themselves.” I once dated an American law student, who taught me many things. Aye, she was a bonnie lass!

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay, Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Colonel John Sheppard

RE: What the hell is going on?

Jesus, I go away to the mainland for one week, and things go to pieces! When I got back today, I was met in the jumper bay by a welcoming committee consisting of none other than a seriously pissed off Colonel Caldwell. He just about ripped me a new one.

What happened? Caldwell said something about Dr. Kavenaugh and an exploding toilet. Also something about Carson threatening to stick the biggest needle he could find into Kavenaugh’s uninjured buttock. (Although I don’t know why Caldwell’s upset about the needle thing, Carson. You threaten to do that to me all the time.)

So, tell me. Why are Caldwell’s underpants in a twist?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Colonel John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: What the hell is going on?

Frankly, Kavenaugh’s an ass and Caldwell needs to get a life. (Although if you tell anyone I said that, I’ll deny it to my last breath.) I’m forwarding you copies of the memos regarding this matter; I don’t even want to think about it anymore. But I don’t ever want to hear Caldwell complain about us not keeping him in the loop, since we kept him completely informed this time.

Attachments: Memos from 8/1-8/4

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Colonel John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: What the hell is going on?

What’s going on is that a certain maniacal Czech engineer took it into his head to take revenge on Kavenaugh for “accidentally” ruining one of his experiments. I knew he was planning something, but didn’t think it would involve explosions in the bathroom. Sometimes I wonder about Zelenka’s childhood.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Colonel John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: What the bloody hell is going on?

I don’t know what you mean, lad. Dr. Kavenaugh and I simply had a disagreement about his medical care -- he disagreed and I told him what he could do with it. I swear, I’ve seen young bairns with more sense than that pony-tailed Sassenach.

By the way, I take exception to your comment about my threatening you with needles. Honestly, you people think that all doctors do is play with sharp, pointy objects. Believe me, son, there are plenty of other humiliating procedures that I haven’t tried yet.

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MEMO

TO: Colonel Steven Caldwell

FROM: Colonel John Sheppard

RE: Recent incidents

I have discussed the events of the last week with most of the civilian personnel involved, sir. (Dr. Kavenaugh refused to speak to a mere “grunt.”) Although the exploding toilet may have seemed trivial, I believe that the actions of the senior staff were commendable. The initial discovery and investigation of an explosion definitely warrants report to the ranking officer. After all, Wraith have tried to infiltrate the city before. One never knows what new tactics they might try. Furthermore, in the unlikely event that the blast triggered structural damage to the city, the senior officer would require this information to make contingency plans for an evacuation.

Drs. Weir, Beckett, and McKay handled themselves with skill and professionalism. I have every confidence that they will perform in a similar manner in the event of an actual emergency.

cc: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay, Dr. Carson Beckett

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A/N Thanks to everyone who’s taken the time to review. It is much appreciated! And if any of you have any requests for a memo, just let me know!

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: “Educational” assignment

I would like to thank you again for the wonderful opportunity to spend a week on the mainland helping design an irrigation system for the Athosians. And I’m sure I have no idea what you mean by “a more beneficial application of plumbing skills.”

The project progresses as well as can be expected. Don’t worry, there was no way you could have known that the recent rains had turned the entire area into muddy swamp. I do not think I will ever be truly dry again, nor will I be able to remove all the mud from under my fingernails. But the opportunity to work on truly fascinating project makes all of this okay.

P.S. (The next time you and Cadman get stuck in the same body, I will let you stay that way and beat the crap out of each other. Polib mi prdel!)

P.P.S. (I have bootleg video of you kissing Dr. Beckett. I have not yet decided what to do with it, if you know what I mean.)

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Teyla Emmagan

RE: Farming assistance

Dr. McKay, I would like to thank you for sending Dr. Zelenka and his team to help my people improve their crop yield. This drainage system will be very useful. But I am curious. How did Dr. Zelenka come to head this team? He is very good, of course, but this is not his usual work. When I ask him, he just speaks very quickly in a language I am not familiar with, and then mutters “Carson and Rodney sitting in a tree…”

I do not understand. Why are you and Dr. Beckett climbing the vegetation?

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A/N: Polib mi prdel means, "Kiss my ass"

MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka, Teyla Emmagen

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Irrigation system implementation

Thank you both for informing me of the engineering team’s progress on the irrigation project. It sounds like the work is proceeding smoothly despite some minor inconveniences. Radek, I’m glad the weather hasn’t “dampened” your enthusiasm for your job. In fact, if you and Teyla would like, I can make your posting to the mainland permanent. I’m sure that your many talents can be put to good use there. We’d have a tough time managing without your keen eye for details, but we’d get by.

That reminds me. Radek, would you be able to take some photographs of the site for me? I know you have your handy video recorder with you.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Incriminating evidence

Give me the video and no one gets hurt. - McKay

cc: Dr. Carson Beckett

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: A friend

RE: A possible deal

I understand that you are in the possession of a video depicting two high-ranking members of the expedition in a compromising position. I would be willing to pay well for such merchandise.

A/N: Regarding the mystery friend, all will eventually be revealed, but things may not be what they seem...

There, that should be sufficiently mysterious. :-)

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MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Work assignments

Your concern about my career satisfaction is appreciated. Although I might wish to, I cannot in good conscience leave the engineering staff shorthanded. Besides, you and I are used to dealing with each others’ idiosyncrasies. You might find it harder to work with someone who is not used to your unique outlook on life.

Again, I do appreciate your concern. I look forward to discussing this with you when I return to the city.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Pitiful

Nice try, Rodney. I am not giving video to you. - Radek

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MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: MRI machine

I was right glad to learn that you will be returning from the mainland tomorrow. Not a minute too soon, either! One of the bloody MRI machines malfunctioned, leaving Katie Brown trapped inside, poor lass. And the Magnificent McKay was too busy alternating between reassuring Katie and screaming at me to actually try to fix the thing!

We got her out eventually, but the scanner’s still not cooperatin’. When ye get back, can you come give me a hand with it? I could really use someone with your superior engineering skills, lad. It would be a lifesaver.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: MRI machine

Nice try, Carson. I am not giving video to you. - Radek

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Kamarád

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Merchandise

Please elaborate. What kind of deal are we talking about?

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: A friend

RE: A possible deal

Actually, I changed my mind. Instead of paying you for the video, how about you giving it to me in exchange for my not telling Dr. Weir or Colonel Sheppard about your bootlegging activities? I’m sure they would be interested in knowing about illegal alcohol production in the city.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Kamarád

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Blackmail

Who says they don’t already know? But you are still a miserable specimen of humanity. I think I’ve figured out who you are. You’re Kavanaugh, right? Zmrde zkurvenej!

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: It doesn’t matter

RE: Blackmail

You can insult me all you want. But unless you meet me on the balcony outside the control room at midnight tonight, your whiskey-running days are over. Bring the video and come alone.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Lt. Laura Cadman

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Embarrassing situation

I don’t know what you mean, love. I haven’t heard anything about a videotape, but I agree that it would be embarrassing to all three of us. The less people remember about the three of us involved in a passionate embrace, the better. (Oh, God. I can’t believe I just said that.)

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Enough is enough

All right, lad, you’ve had your fun. Maybe it was funny at first (although I wouldn’t necessarily agree), but things are going too far. Lt. Cadman is becoming very upset about your bloody videotape. If this nonsense doesn’t stop, she may decide that it’s in her best interest to avoid being seen with me. And if this happens, I will NOT be amused.

Trust me. You do not want me in a bad mood.

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A/N: Zmrde zkurvenej means... well, let’s just say that it’s unprintable and leave it at that. ;-)

The plot thickens!

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Do something!

If you don’t get that videotape from Zelenka, there’s going to be some serious trouble. I was having a lovely dinner with Laura when she mentioned how disturbed she was by it. She canna even walk into a bloody room without somebody leering at her. She shouldn’t be driven to see Kate Heightmeyer just because one of your infantile colleagues refuses to grow up.

P.S. (If Radek is smart, he’ll schedule his next visit to the infirmary for when Schwartz is on duty.)

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Do something!

Shut up, I’m working on it.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Do something!

Aye, you’d better! If Laura stops going out with me over this, I’m holding both of you lads responsible! I can’t even remember the last time I went out with a woman before her.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Do something!

I SAID I’m working on it. By tomorrow morning this thing should be over one way or another. And your social life is nothing to brag about.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Do something!

Now why does that not fill me with confidence, son? Also, I seem to remember something about pots and kettles.

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All will be revealed next chapter, I promise!

13. Brief Interlud 1 :

It was 11:45 at night when the short, mousy-haired man stepped out of his quarters into the Atlantean hallway. He looked both ways to make sure he wasn’t being followed, then walked quickly in the direction of the control room. In one hand he held an ordinary-looking videotape, and in the other he held a flashlight. The man did not possess the ATA gene, so the lights in the hall would not automatically respond to his presence.

As he walked, the man wondered if perhaps he had taken the joke a little too far. He hadn’t realized when he captured the moment that so many other people would want to see it, too. Although he had not allowed any of the gossips to copy the tape, plenty of them had had a good laugh at it in his lab. He liked Lt. Cadman, and the last thing he wanted to do was cause her distress. His boss and the chief medical officer, however, were a different story. He had fun yanking their chains, since they did the same to him.

Oh well, maybe he hadn’t taken things too far.

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It was 11:45 at night when the nondescript man stepped out of his quarters into the Atlantean hallway. He looked both ways to make sure he wasn’t being followed, then walked quickly in the direction of the control room. He was empty-handed, but he carried a weapon in a holster at his side and wore a baseball cap with the visor pulled down to hide his face. Although the man did possess the ATA gene, the lights in the hall did not respond to his presence. He suppressed them with barely a thought, and hid in the shadows as he made his way to the arranged meeting.

As he walked, the man pondered the weirdness of the whole situation. He was on his way to retrieve a videotape of two people kissing. One of those people had two minds in the same body, and they bickered like an old married couple. And only one of them had wanted the kiss. Take three stubborn personalities in two bodies, add one distillery-operating Czech engineer, and you had a recipe for disaster. Stir slowly, then run like hell.

He was sorry that he had to resort to blackmail, but he didn’t see any other way to get the tape. Once he had it, he would make sure that it permanently remained in a safe place.

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The short, mousy-haired man looked out at the balcony, but did not see anyone there. He knew there was another door onto the balcony from a nearby corridor, but had not noticed anybody headed in that direction. With a sigh of relief, he pushed open the door and stepped outside...

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The nondescript man looked out at the balcony, but did not see anyone there. He knew there was another door onto the balcony from a nearby corridor, but had not noticed anybody headed in that direction. With a sigh of relief, he pushed open the door and stepped outside...

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Both men painfully collided with each other as they simultaneously walked onto the balcony. “Ow!” they yelled at the same time, then froze. Each had recognized the other’s voice, and the implications were staggering. When they finally spoke, it was to exclaim in unison:

“Dr. Zelenka!”

“Colonel Sheppard!”

TBC

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A/N: I couldn’t think of any good way to do this scene in memo form, so I put in the “brief interlude”. We will now return you to your regularly scheduled memo programming for the aftermath. :-)

Congrats to everyone who guessed!

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Colonel John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: This better be good

Colonel, just tell me one thing before I devise horrible revenge scheme involving lots of explosions. Why?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: Colonel John Sheppard

RE: This better be good

Sorry, but you didn’t seem to be willing to give up the tape any other way. Give it a rest already. Let Carson, Rodney, and Cadman get some peace. I’m sure you can find other people to torment.

Not me, though! Don’t get any ideas.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Colonel John Sheppard

RE: Mission accomplished

OK, Rodney, I got the tape back for you. Show it to Carson so that he doesn’t blow a gasket and start attacking with needles or bagpipes. Jeez, the things I do to keep the peace around here! But you did come to the right place for help.

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Alone in his quarters, Radek took a copy of the infamous tape out of his recorder and placed it in a lockbox. It was always good to have potential fodder for future plots.

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A/N: This should pretty much wrap up the blackmailer plot. Moving on to a different type of mayhem!

MEMO

TO: All away teams

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Dietary indiscretions

It has recently come to my attention that some individuals are not observing proper caution when consuming offworld foodstuffs. Needless to say, I shouldn’t have to remind any of you that we have procedures in place. Let’s review them, shall we?

1.) If possible, only eat food that you have brought in with you.

2.) If certain astrophysicists have already eaten all the powerbars and MRE’s, you should next try to obtain sustenance from friendly natives. (I realize that sometimes appearances are deceiving, so scan everything just to be safe.)

3.) If all else fails, make sure you have plenty of water and don’t eat anything. It won’t kill any of you, whereas food poisoning might.

I am busy enough treating sprained backs, arrow wounds, Wraith transmitter wounds, rope burns, and concussions. I don’t need any of you in my infirmary puking your guts out.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronan Dex, Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Dietary indiscretions

Are both of you daft? Eating out of random pots? My God, what’s next, munching on alien mushrooms? If either of you ever come in with hallucinations caused by the Pegasus galaxy’s version of LSD, I swear I will personally record them and pipe them over the citywide speaker. Zelenka isn’t the only one who can wreak havoc with a recorder.

You bloody idiots.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Dietary indiscretions

This from someone who eats stuffed sheep intestines.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Specialist Ronon Dex

RE: Dietary indiscretions

It smelled good. It tasted good. I’m fine. The scruffy little guy ate it too, and he survived. No big deal.

What exactly are these “memos” for, anyway?

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Eldon

I know you didn’t want me to bring home any more strays, but the little guy did save our asses back there. He’s supposedly a scientist, so perhaps we might put him on the science staff here. Maybe he can work with Zelenka, although the thought of those two explosion-loving mad scientists in the same room makes me nervous.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Eldon

Okay, but it’s your responsibility to see that he gets settled in. I don’t expect to hear about any trouble, understood?

And please don’t have him blow anything else up.

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MEMO

TO: Drs. Carson Beckett, Rodney McKay, and Radek Zelenka; Teyla Emmagan; Ronon Dex

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Eldon

We need to show him around, find him a place, and get him settled in. Any ideas on what to do with an unemployed explosives specialist?

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MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Eldon

What do you mean ‘we’? Are you volunteering other people for things again? That’s a bad habit, son. But I guess Rodney and Dex could show him the mess hall. That is, if they haven’t decided to take all their meals offworld.

cc: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Eldon

Volunteering other people? Hello? Now who’s talking pots and kettles?

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Specialist Ronon Dex

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Eldon

What the hell did you do to him? I found him halfway to the other side of the city, mumbling about how a walking mountain was trying to kill him. He didn’t want to come back, and I almost had to call Beckett to sedate him.

I’d like an explanation.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Specialist Ronon Dex

RE: Eldon

I merely offered to eat with him. The man is overly sensitive.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Specialist Ronon Dex

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Eldon

He probably thought you were going to eat him. Or stab him with a fork. Well, I guess now I know who not to ask for a job for him.

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MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard; Drs. Carson Beckett, Rodney McKay, and Radek Zelenka; Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Specialist Ronon Dex

RE: Food

I do not understand this preoccupation with my eating habits. If you’re jealous, go find your own stuff!

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A/N: For those who haven’t seen “Condemned”, Eldon is a prisoner who helped the team in return for asylum on Atlantis.

A/N: This series of memos occurs just prior to Trinity.

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MEMO

TO: Atlantis Expedition Members

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Introductions

I would like to take this opportunity to formally introduce two new members of our community. I am sure all of you will do your utmost to make them feel welcome.

The first new member is Tech Specialist Ronon Dex. Mr. Dex spent the last seven years of his life on the run from the Wraith, who could track him courtesy of a transmitter they implanted in his back. He was instrumental in helping Dr. McKay and Colonel Sheppard return safely from P3M-736. Mr. Dex has exemplary hand-eye coordination and a high pain tolerance. He will join Colonel Sheppard’s team, where he will no doubt do an excellent job.

The second new community member is Dr. Eldon. Until recently, he lived on the planet Olesia, where he made a living working with unstable nitrate compounds. Colonel Sheppard’s team were able to observe a demonstration of his expertise, and were suitably impressed. Dr. Eldon will be working closely with Dr. Zelenka’s engineering group.

There will be an informal get-together in the mess hall tomorrow evening. Food and drink will be provided. Come and get to know your new colleagues.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Lt. Colonel John Sheppard

FROM: Colonel Stephen Caldwell

RE: Introductions

A suitable demonstration of Eldon’s expertise? Is that a fancy way of saying he blew up your ship? Allowing him access to our science labs is a terrible idea. But maybe this is another one of your “feelings.”

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: “Dr.” Eldon

And where did this guy get his Ph.D. from? School for the criminally gifted? To look on bright side, though. He is smarter than Kavanaugh, smells better, and is not nearly as obnoxious.

MEMO

TO: Atlantis Expedition Members

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Public Displays of Aggression

I am aware that tempers have been running high as a result of recent events. Nevertheless, I cannot countenance brawling in public places of the city. Surely there are other ways for you to channel your feelings. If all else fails, go to the gym and beat the crap out of the punching bags.

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MEMO

TO: Atlantis Expedition Members

FROM: Dr. Kate Heightmeyer

RE: Public Displays of Aggression

I agree with Dr. Weir. I am happy to help with stress management and conflict resolution. Please feel free to make an appointment if you would like to discuss this further.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: Lt. Colonel John Sheppard

RE: Dr. Weir’s memo

Too bad. I was looking forward to Round 2 of Geek Smackdown. I’ve got money riding on this, you know. Come on, Radek. Surely an accomplished blackmailer and black marketeer like yourself can figure out how to hold a grudge match without Weir finding out.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Teyla Emmagan

RE: Dr. Weir’s memo

I may not be permitted to fight you anymore, but do not think this is over. As our friends from Earth would say, your ass is mine.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Punching bags

Lass, I appreciate your desire to have the crew beat up on things besides each other, but your punching bag suggestion was a wee bit troublesome. We’ve seen a 10-fold increase in the number of wrist injuries over the last 24 hours. People don’t seem to know proper hitting technique. If certain people keep annoying me, I’d be happy to demonstrate.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Punching bag

I’ll keep your suggestion in mind. BTW, is everything all right? You’ve been very grouchy lately.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Geek “smackdown”

I do not understand this smackdown you describe. If you mean my current disagreement with Dr. McKay, we are settling it like civilized people. Your money can stop riding now.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Geek “smackdown”

Civilized people? You gave him a black eye!

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Geek “smackdown”

Ancient Greeks invented boxing, Colonel Sheppard. They were civilized, were they not?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Injuries

Ow, ow, ow! I can’t see out of one eye, Radek. Do you know what that could mean? I might go blind. Ocular trauma can cause vision loss, right Carson?

Um, would it help if I said I was sorry?

cc: Dr. Carson Beckett

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: My ass

Feel free to come claim it anytime.

MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Colonel John Sheppard, Colonel Stephen Caldwell

FROM: Sergeant Bates

RE: Security incident report

Sirs, Ma’am. I wanted to make you aware of an incident that occurred at 2100 hours last night. Security was called to the gym for reports of loud male bellowing and female screeching. Suspects were one female Athosian, age approximately 30 Earth years, and one male Setidian of similar age. When Private Nichols and I arrived at the scene we found the two suspects engaged in hand-to-hand combat with sticks while shouting obscenities at each other. The male suspect attempted to use his considerable bulk to pin the female on the ground, but she broke his hold and tried to hit him on the head with her stick. He responded by trying to put her in a choke hold. At that point, she used her stick to break his left arm. Neither of the two suspects responded to multiple requests to cease and desist, so it became necessary to subdue them with Wraith stunner rifles. The female suspect was placed in a holding cell, while the male suspect was delivered to Dr. Beckett’s care at 2130 hours.

I was present during the entire incident and attest to the veracity of this report.

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MEMO

TO: Sergeant Bates

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Security incident report

Your report was thorough as usual, Sergeant. Your enthusiasm for your job does you credit.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Sergeant Bates

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Security incident report

You got to beat up Teyla. Happy now?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Col. Stephen Caldwell

RE: Gym brawl

Miss Emmagan, while I cannot officially condone your actions, I admit to being impressed by your fighting skills. Would you be willing to hold drills for some of my people on the Daedalus?

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Gym brawl

What the hell were you thinking? This just gives Bates more ammunition to use against you! He already thinks you’re a menace. I’m sure Ronon does, too, after what you just did to him.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Get back here!

What the bloody hell were you thinking? In case you forgot, Teyla snapped your arm like a twig! At the very least, that has to hurt like a bugger. I don’t know how you managed to sneak out of here, but would you kindly grant me a few moments of your time and get your arse BACK TO THE INFIRMARY!

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Apologies

Saying sorry would be good start. Saying it over the citywide speaker would be even better start. My God, you’re an ass! What the hell were you thinking?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Athosian foreplay

You broke my arm, woman. I think I’m in love.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A/N: Credit (or blame) has to go to Espiritu for the “Athosian foreplay” line. :-)

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Grouchy

Grouchy? Aye, you’d better believe it! Have you seen what I’ve been dealing with lately? First there’s Rodney and Ronon doing their impression of Julia Child by sampling random pots of food. If there was any justice, it would have been Rodney with the stomach flu instead of poor Zelenka. Then there was the bloody dreadful thing that happened to Dr. Collins. I can tell you that neither Dr. Biro nor I slept very well after that autopsy! And to top it all off, Ronon gets it into his head to go AWOL while I’m trying to set his blasted arm. Said something about looking for Teyla. I don’t care if it is the “warrior’s code,” I’ll not let him go gallivantin’ around the city with an untreated injury! Stubborn solider, not unlike a certain flyboy we know.

So, all in all, I would say YES I’M GROUCHY!

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Grouchy

Sorry about that, love. I didn’t actually mean to hit “send”. Yes, it’s been a wee bit busy down here, but we’re all handling it.

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MEMO

TO: Crew of the Daedalus

FROM: Col. Stephen Caldwell

RE: Battle readiness

All right, people. No more slacking! Just because we haven’t kicked any Wraith butt lately doesn’t mean they’re not out there. I’ve asked Teyla Emmagan to hold a series of drills in Athosian fighting techniques. I’d take her seriously if I were you; she snapped Ronon Dex’s arm when he annoyed her.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Teyla Emmagan

RE:Setidan foreplay

What do your people do? Beat their chest and grunt?

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Interpersonal violence

Why the hell did you smack me in the back of the head like that? It still aches. Didn’t they teach you any more subtle means of communication in the military?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Col. John Sheppard

RE: Interpersonal violence

Yes, McKay, they did. Those means usually involved automatic weapons or really big bombs. Now shut up and leave me alone. My arm hurts and I feel like crap.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Carson Beckett

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Stress

I understand your frustration. I know that you’ve been under a lot of stress, especially with your dual research and clinical responsibilities. If you like, I can try to keep Rodney from bugging you any more than necessary.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Ronon Dex

FROM: Teyla Emmagan

RE: Interacting with others

I see that you are working hard on your communication skills. You hit Ellia when she was only trying to be friendly. Yes, I know that she was a Wraith, but she might have actually succeeded in avoiding feeding if she had not impetuously injected herself with Dr. Beckett’s virus.

Speaking of medical care, I fear you may be suffering from what some of the women have called “testosterone poisoning.” You had best get this checked out.

PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Radek Zelenka

FROM: Dr. Rodney McKay

RE: Still mad?

Um, Radek, are you speaking to me yet? If so, can you tell me how Eldon is getting along?

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Rodney McKay

FROM: Dr. Radek Zelenka

RE: Still mad?

No, I am not speaking to you yet. But if I were, I would tell you that little guy is doing fine. And although he is explosives expert, has not yet blown up a significant chunk of space-time. So I’d say he is ahead of you.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Teyla Emmagan

FROM: Ronon Dex

RE: Interacting with others

I get along fine with people. But the girl was a WRAITH! Like I said, giving her table manners isn’t going to change the fact that we’re the food! And I resent the way everyone smirked at me when I said that.

Testosterone poisoning? You should probably leave the medical stuff to Androcles.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Col. John Sheppard

FROM: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

RE: Dr. McKay’s performance

John, this is the first time you’ve been on a mission with him since the incident with the energy weapon. How did he do? Did you feel comfortable working with him?

And are you okay? I heard you took quite a beating.